non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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