12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
