You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also, beer. Big fan.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
