i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you inspire me to be a worse person
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
