Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
