I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
