I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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