remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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