Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
