Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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