get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
