By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize