You made me cry and you don't even care
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
