Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
