First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
