i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
