I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
