So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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