lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
why is half of my head shaved?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
