hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
