I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize