Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
