morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
