I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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