FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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