he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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