i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
