I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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