The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
