even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
