Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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