flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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