Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Dear god my vagina.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
