All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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