I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
