If that was your dad, he is hot
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
They are going to name an STD after you.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
