I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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