Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
