i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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