And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
