Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
