He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
