my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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