shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize