I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
