I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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