so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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