I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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