true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
