Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It was like giving head to a cactus.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize