Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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