im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize