I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
