It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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