My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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