The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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