I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
