If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
