She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
