I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize