This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
