Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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