I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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