it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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