When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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